Mop Up X-8
March 18, 2002 | Posted by Hyatte
I’ll start caring again when they bring in Ric Flair… and Kevin Nash.
Me: 9-24-01
God has punished me by taking away my ability to write anything other than this single sentence. Oh, and the word “Hello”. He also is allowing this sentence, as well as my sign off line. Obvious proof that God is angry as well as just.
Wait… God is speaking to me now… yes? Okay.
Okay, God just said that wrestling is fake and you can all go f*ck yourselves.
Praise His Word
Me again: 10-12-01
And then… I died. There was a funeral and everything
Well guess whose back…. bitch.
My name is Chris and this is the Mop-Up. From here on out, or until I get bored again, I’ll be taking the PPV’s and goofing on them. End of story. I used to do this to Raw and Nitro… but the weekly grind of it drove me nuts. I also used to write a column called And Another Thing, which was easily the best friggin’ opinion piece out there (and you all KNOW IT… jealous little pricks). I ALSO used to write a daily news column here at 411 called The Midnight News…. with an original kind of format now currently being stolen by damn near EVERYONE. In fact, one can argue that pretty much everything I’ve ever done has been imitated and/or downright STOLEN by other people. Excuse me…. but ANY old Mop-Up reader can see Bruce Mitchell do it weekly for the Torch.
So, I’ve been away for a while… 5 months exactly. Last you heard from me, I was “flaking out”… “going nuts”… “having a breakdown” in the news. Where have I been? None of your F-ing business. How’s that? I’ve been gone… now I’m back. Part time baby. You’ll hear from me once a month, that’s it. That’s all I can handle. I tried doing this net thing daily and went nuts. Even doing it weekly was a chore. Plus, I don’t even “love” wrestling that much anymore. Not “love” it like some of you losers out there do. I LIKE it fine, but I’m not that passionate about it anymore, so no more of those And Another Thing love letters I used to write either. No, part time, once or twice a month… recapping PPVs. Yeah, I can do that.
So, we’ll talk a bit… I’ll recap the PPV…. then we’ll have a traditional closer. This’ll be long, rambling, and frustrating for anyone looking for quick results. Eat me. There are currently 7000 X8 recaps online with all the down and dirty info you need before you go post a billion messages about how Stephanie McMahon is ruining EVERYTHING (actually, you may be right on that one). No, this one will be long, meandering, and chock full of bad jokes that I used time and time again. YOU MISSED IT, YOU F-ING PUNKS!!!! YOU KNOW YOU DID!!!
In fact, let’s get going… this was a looooong ass show… and I have some serious goofing to do. Plus, I’m going to introduce a brand new ratings system!! You kids seem to like it when idiots attach every match with a rating…. so why can’t I do it too? Oh, I’m sure it won’t be as WITTY as Scaia’s “Cattle Prod Up the Ass” rating… but I’ll do my best.
Seriously, it’s been a while since I did this type of recap, I have a LOT of stuff that’s been bottled up inside. This is going to be one F*CK of a long read…. consider yourself warned.
No, really… this is a HUGE recap. I shit you not.
WRESTLEMANIA X-8 (or: Because “Wrestlemania 18” looks so OLD)
-opens with the great copyright infringement warning… and I QUOTE, “This pay per view may not be recorded, rebroadcast, retransmitted or otherwise distributed in any manner whatsoever without the express written consent of WWFE INC.” That means that you fu**heads who are constantly trading (DISTRIBUTING) this tapes with your little boyfriends online…. you are BREAKING THE LAW AND PISSING OFF VINCE MCMAHON!!!!!
-Yeah, so STOP IT.
-UNAUTHORIZED VIEWERS BEWARE AND BE FOREWARNED!!!! No STEALING this show either!!! You black box havin’ crooks!
-WWF is still ONE WORLD… and it don’t look like the WWA will be putting a stop to this anytime soon… heh.
-Lillian Garcia introduces Saliva to sing a song and pump (*clap) us up. Yes, my first real attempt at humor after 5 months is a lame reference to an 80’s SNL bit.
-and BOY, does Saliva live up to it’s gimmick…. more spittle flew out of that lead singer’s mouth. I haven’t seen drool fly like that since I popped that kid with Down’s System in the mouth a few weeks ago. Little retard wanted to hug me.
-You know… if I wanted music I’d watch MTV!! Oh, no…. MTV is the place you go if you want to see hot girls kiss hot guys with their tongues.
–Dismissed…. for years MTV tried to figure out how to make a show filled with nothing but serious french kissing…. manoman they finally hit it. GOD BLESS THEM!!! IT’S THE BEST DAMN SHOW EVER!!!
-I swear, I jack off more to one episode of Dismissed then I do with an entire night’s worth of the Spice Channel.
-Saliva continues to bang their heads…. oh, I’m sure the kids of O-Town are watching this and thinking “Well, that’s it for us… rock is back.”
-Jesus….let me know when I finally write something funny… okay?
-No, screw that… I HAVEN’T DONE A MOP-UP FOR LIKE A YEAR… GIVE ME A CHANCE TO GET BACK INTO IT, ASSHOLES!!!!
-Towards the end, the lead sing screams, “WRESTLEMANIA…. GET YOUR ASS OFF YOUR SHOULDERS!!” My first thought was, “What homo would put someone’s ass on their shoulders?” Followed closely by, “and if the shoulders have the ass, where is the guy’s head?” Both questions were answered when I remembered that the show was in CANADA…. ahh yes, Home of the Moose blowers. Then, it all fit.
-The obligatory (and ALWAYS rocking) WWF pre-ppv video. This one uses wrestlers to personally explain which Wrestlemania means to them. My fave was Scott Hall’s “(Wrestlemania) is pressure, but that GOOD kind of pressure”. Yeah, not like that BAD pressure, like trying to work a match sober… or trying to give a shit…. or trying not to embarrass Big Kev for the 57th time…. or trying to keep your son out of that emergency stash of “non dairy creamer” he keeps on hand for “special” occasions.
-a truly stirring video…
-… RUINED by the announcement that SOUR Skittles paid for a good chunk of this telecast. Yes, because Skittles was just not enough… now they have to have SOUR Skittles. TASTE THE RAINBOW, DAMMIT!!
-Wrestlemania X 8!!!! WAIT, WAIT…. I KNOW… it’s WrestlemaniaWrestlemaniaWrestlemaniaWrestlemaniaWrestlemaniaWrestlemania
WrestlemaniaWrestlemania!!!!!!
-I SWEAR… it’ll get better
-Jim Ross welcomes us to the SKYDOME. In TORONTO. There are more Strip Clubs in Toronto then pretty much anywhere else…. and Superman’s Metropolis was based on Toronto…. other than that, there is nothing noteworthy about Toronto…
-we get a good shot at the deep nosebleed seats. You know, if given the choice between sitting so high that the only thing you’ll possibly be able to see is the shine bouncing off Hogan’s bald head, or sitting at home nice and cozy with a basic front row seat…. I’d STILL go to the show… not for the wrestling, but JUST so me and a few AMERICAN buds can spend our time beating the shit out of pansy ass homo CANADIANS. BRING IT ON, EH!!!!! Then we’ll show the Canadian girls what a “hoser” REALLY is… heh heh heh… ho ho ho…. hee hee hee…. har har har….. booya.
-Ross admits to never experiencing a feeling like what he has got here tonight… oh that poor, frustrated WIFE of his. She must be so damn lonely.
-WWF New York is in a FRENZY. Someone must have phoned in another bomb scare …. New Yorkers have been so JUMPY lately. It was just a harmless JOKE, Officer… why do you want to check my shoes? No I’ve NEVER gone by the name Muhammad Ugabu
-Rob Van Dam is jerkin’ curtain to take on William Regal for the IC belt. Ross openly wonders what is going through his mind right now. Judging from what is widely reported, some SUUUWEEET cannabis and PLENTY o’ it
-RVD takes a gander at 67’000 fans. He visibly shakes his head and goes, “damn…. that is some NASTY weed” Then he started giggling. Then he starts munching on Nachos that someone in the front row had.
-Lord William Regal steps out. Ross called him “perhaps the greatest counter-wrestler in the WWF”…. yes, word is he has countered just about every damn pass Patterson has ever made on him…. that British butt is STILL a cherry!
-You wanted Patterson jokes? WELL THEY’RE BACK BABY!!!!!!!!
-RVD on the fast attack. Regal backs off. He goes QUICK for the brass knuckles. RVD kicks them away. Regal begs. RVD dropkicks him while he’s on his knees.
-RVD bounces off the ropes LIKE A CAT and comes back hard at Regal with a single legged drop-kick.
-RVD leaps to the top rope LIKE A CAT and MISSES a 5 star splash. Regal rolled.
-Umm, you newcomers aren’t expecting a blow by blow recap where I describe every second of the match and transcribe every single word uttered on the show like a goddam lifeless automaton do you? Do you REALLY think I’m some sort of LOSER who bangs every single minute detail on my keyboard? What kind of fruit do you TAKE ME FOR? What’s next? Am I supposed to get a girlfriend who lives clear across the bloody COUNTRY?
-Regal drives a knee into the DAMN FILTHY HIPPIE’S head.
-Regal starts bleeding from the mouth.
-Regal with the Cobra Clutch/Neckbreaker. If Tony Schiavone were around, he’d no doubt call it a “Sidewalk Slam”.
-Regal waves to the crowd in his foppish kinda’ way.
-Ross talks about the “clash of styles” that we are presently watching… in other words, Regal’s style is about ten years too late for this type of profession.
-Regal went for the knucks, the Ref yanked them away. so he dug in for another pair (must have a LOT of spare room in those skimpy ass tights…. of course, no one, in recorded time, has EVER accused the British of having big shlongs.)
-RVD uses the time to climb the top ropes LIKE A CAT and HIT the 5 Star splash. 3 slaps later and we have a NEW IC champ! One wonders how RVD will EVER celebrate.
-You know, with RVD as IC champ, this’ll be a great opportunity to finally put some IMPORTANCE back on the strap. A few big money matches with guys like Angle, Test, Edge, etc…. and the belt will start to mean something again.
-as for the match… for my BRAND NEW RATING SYSTEM…I give it 2 smacks with a baseball bat
-Ah, see… every match is like a woman. The better the match, the hotter the woman. The hotter the woman, the more bonks on the head Scott Keith will have to hit her with a baseball bat before she’ll spread her legs for him. A Super model match means Keith will have to beat the shit out of her with 5 swings before she is too groggy to resist him. A mutt match means he only has to conk her slightly one time just so she’s groggy enough not to notice. Get it?
-So, RVD vs Regal… match 1 = 2 swings on the noggin before she goes down and Scotty Keith gets some.
-Christian is smiling all goofy like…. Lillian Garcia takes us to…
-footage of how DDP was BETRAYED by Christian on Smackdown. Ironically, many WWF wrestlers NOT on the show tonight feel BETRAYED that they were bumped for these two. Also, I’m aware that many of you now feel BETRAYED that I would insult you by over selling the sorta/kinda punchline here.
-Christian tells Lillian that he is a WINNER and DDP will PAY for… for… oh who cares about this.
-Christian DOES rag on Canada a bit…. LOST ANOTHER ONE, DIDN’T YA, CANADA!!!!!
-Outer shots of downtown Toronto… it’s either really foggy or some of that good ol’ fashioned American SMOG is leaking over!!! BWAHAHAHAHAAAA SMELL OUR INDUSTRY!!!! THAT’S THE SMELL OF REPUBLICAN CAPITALISM!!!!!!! WE’LL CHOP DOWN EVERY TREE IF IT HELPS BIG BUSINESS MAKE A FEW MORE BILLION!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GOD BLESS GWB!!!
-Christian came out. Dig that swanky little shirt he wears… all those cute fishnet holes to show off those manly pecs and washboard abs. Sadly, I have a shirt just like this… I… was made to wear it for my husband in the joint…. it… it’s not something I want to talk about.
-DDP comes out. It’s really pretty sad when the wrestler’s entrance video doesn’t have a single shot of the wrestler actually WORKING. All he’s doing is smiling… in every shot… with those BITCHING white teeth.
-Ross announces that DDP actually was at Wrestlemania 6. He was the guy who drove the Honky Tonk Man to the ring in the pink Cadillac. And the pink caddy actually belonged to Page. That’s pretty cool.
-Christian attacked Page right away and they start slugging. Page starts muscling the kid down.
-DDP openly, and quite loudly calls out the spots.
-Christian hits the Abdominal Stretch and starts pounding on DDP’s ribcage. The fact that we haven’t seen an Ab Stretch in a couple of years isn’t the funny thing, the REAL funny thing is we end up seeing this move, WITH the rib pounding ONCE MORE later in the night.
-Christian with the offense.
-Page with a WICKED bodyslam. Christian was on the top rope. DDP popped up to the SECOND rope and threw him down. Never saw that one before.
-DDP with a DISCUS Clothesline. Somewhere in HELL, Kerry Von Erich saw this and shouted, “HEY!!!”
-Oh you best BELIEVE ol’ Kerry ain’t with the Angels.
-DDP went for the Diamond Cutter TWICE. On the second try, Christian turned it into the… the… I forget the name. Sting’s old Scorpion Deathdrop.
-DDP kicked out of the pin attempt. Christian started to freak out, but quickly composed himself.
-Page hits the Diamond Cutter and hits the win!!! After the match, Page grabs the mic and congratulates Christian for keeping his cool, even though he lost in front of 67’000 people, not to mention the billions of people at home. This, of course, caused Christian to throw his temper tantrum. Which was funny to see.
-Oh, and this was for the European title… which Page had, and still has…. like many of YOU, I’m sure, I practically forgot this little factoid. I have trouble remembering that there is even a Euro belt to begin with.
-I give this match another TWO WHALLOPS WITH THE BASEBALL BAT!!! So far Keithy is getting laid WITHOUT resorting to serious head trauma. It gets two stars because it’s good to see DDP, who really has worked hard for almost everything he’s gotten, get a shot at the big dance before his career wraps up.
-Oh, you BET he’s worked hard…. SOMEONE has to bring the strippers from the Gold Club home after Mr. and Mrs Bischoff had there way with her…. SOMEONE had to dispose of the leftover cocaine too.
-that’s right… I’m doing FOUR YEAR OLD BISCHOFF/PAGE JOKES!!!!! F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU!!!!!
-The Coach tries to interview the Rock backstage. The Coach is in a full tuxedo (oh for God sakes… GET A CLUE!!!!!) Rocky humiliates Coach by asking him if he took his vitamins today, then asked if he prayed. When the Coach said no, the Rock grabbed the mic from him, made him clamp his hands together and KNEEL…
-Two black men… one in a sleeveless tee and some short shorts standing across another one on his knees. My God…. why am I all of the sudden rubbing my nipples?
-The Rock told Coach to start praying. The Coach looked up to the sky and said, “Whazzup G? I just wanted to give you a shout out and…” Aww, the whitest black man since Colin Powell is going for street cred…. how CUTE!
-The Rock overacted and kicked the Coach away… he then cuts a Hulk-a-promo, complete with ripping his t-shirt off… or at least TRYING to rip it off… as Hogan himself proved the other night, it’s kind of tough, and damn funny watching men try to rip there shirts off while holding a microphone.
-Goldust came out and started throwing gold colored weapons into the ring. The saddest story of them all is the tale of the young man…. tough as chewed leather… with tons of skills…. and a STRONG family heritage…. who’s ONLY really successful gimmick has been dressing up like a space fag and walking around with his pitifully small penis jutting out of his spandex for all too see…. whatever happened to Al Isaacs anyway?
-Maven came out. Ross laments about dreams that really do come true. Maven had a 3 way with Florida from Good Times and Charles Nelson Reilly? HOW COME HE CAN HAVE HIS FANTASY BUT I CAN’T???? WHAT THE HOLY F*CK!!!!
-Ross also talks about how ANYTHING can happen in the WWF and Maven’s lifelong goals are now reality. Somewhere, Barry Horowitz is screaming, “OH COME ON!!! THAT WAS MY ONLY GIMMICK EVER!!!!! I’M SUPPOSED TO BE THE LUCKY WANNABE WHO MADE IT!!!!!!!! DAMN YOU VINCE, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!
-In a related story, Chris Candido, who helped Horowitz shock the world couldn’t watch tonight’s show…. he pawned his TV for a dime bag. Poor bleached blonde bastard. The GOOD news is that $50 and a spare bong will pretty much guarantee you a blowjob from Tammy.
-The match begins. Ross sneaks in a quick reminder of the time Goldust fought Roddy Piper in a “Hollywood Backlot Brawl”. The match is famous for that lame white Bronco scene…. but I hope SOME of you will recall that the match is ALSO the place where Piper reared back and gave Goldust one of the STIFFEST punches in the head I have ever seen. Hot Rod COMPLETELY bashed him one right on the side of the noodle.
-We have just enough time for Maven to miss one of his splendid dropkicks by about FIVE FEET and to see Goldust still sell it without laughing like the pro he his before…
-Spike Dudley sneaks out and pins Maven for the belt… 24/7 et al.
–ONE WHAP!!! QUICK, SILLY ENDING. OL’ SKEITH JUST HAS TO TAP THIS BITCH ON THE HEAD BEFORE SHE PUTS OUT!!!
-Crash Holly runs out to chase Spike. In fact, he’s on screen just long enough for everyone, including the announcers, to marvel at the fact that Crash is still gainfully employed by the WWF. I SWEAR I heard Ross mumble, “I thought that little pecker was dead!”
-Hey!! The WWF is in Canada ALL week for various tapings, if we don’t see at least 25 different signs this week with the name “Bret Hart” on them, I will personally come to your house with my bird and let you get a little “feather luv”. Don’t worry, although I’m fairly convinced no one who reads this is sprouting more than 3 inches (losers!!), it’s a pretty big Macaw.
-Hey!! You can be part of history by buying various Hulk vs Rock promotional stuff.
-Drowning Pool is on hand to SING the story of HHH-Stephanie-Jericho. Or so Ross promises us. Oh yes, we get the FULL story…. just like the time Steve Miller told us the story of Billy Joe and Bobby Sue… remember those two lovers with nothing better to do? Then that rat prick Sheriff nailed Billy Joe while Bobby Sue took the damn money and ran… like the BITCH C-WORD SHE IS????
-Yes, the FULL story… like that ditty Johnny Cougar sang about Jack and Diane.
-“Faster and faster they can’t seem to get away…. RIGHT!!”
-… umm…. I’ve been listen to the lyrics and um…. “IIII am amazed… how oh how the Bushes got away….” Umm this…. doesn’t seem to be about HHH and his ex… errr
-DAMMIT!!!! THIS SONG ISN’T ABOUT WRESTLING’S PREMIERE SOAP TRIANGLE!!!! THESE BASTARDS ARE SINGING ABOUT THE ELECTION BOTCH JOB IN FLORIDA!!!!!!!
-Drowning Pool!!! Those political RABBLE ROUSERS!!! SAVE THIS SPEW FOR CROSSFIRE!!!
-“YEEEEEEAH, GORE WAS SCREWED… TELL ME HOW DO HOW DO HOW DO WE LET THIS GO DOWN???” Jesus
-well, I pretty much pulped this lame one note gag to the ground… let us move on.
-Why couldn’t they sing that cool song, “Let the bodies hit the flow”, which is, of course, a song about having an orgy with every girl deep in her menstrual cycle. Talk about mass slipping.
-Backstage, Crash caught up with Spike and tried to pin him. Suddenly, Al Snow zooms in on a golf cart and disappears in a wall of cardboard boxes. The funny part is seeing Al scream with a HUGE smile on his face (YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH) right before he vanishes. What would REALLY be funny is if Sean Stasiak suddenly ran in and knocked himself out by crashing into something.
-Spike takes out Crash, he walks away…
-Suddenly, the Hurricane SWINGS IN ON A CABLE and almost misses Spike with a leg. He connects hard enough for Spike to sell it. Hurricane gets the count, and gets the title. He poses for a beat, then zooms off. Al Snow blunders his way back into camera range, looks around for the caped douchesader and shouts, “DAMMIT”. I respectfully point out that Snow should not have SEEN Hurricane pin Spike and SHOULD have mistakenly tried to pin Spike. THIS IS WHY THE WWF SUCKS NOW!!!!!! STUPID ASS BOOKING LIKE THAT!!! DAMN THAT HEAD WRITING BITCH STEPHANIE!!!
-well…. okay…. umm…. wasn’t THAT big a deal… I just felt like acting like every other Message Board posting loser for a second
-Serious so-no-one-can-sue-us-anymore spot showing that even though these athletes can fly and do super hero feats, they are PROFESSIONALS and YOU should not practice this at home… brought to you by Krylox Steroid Enhancement formula. So you TOO can LOOK like HHH. Just don’t act like him.
-Ross is in a tuxedo too. Lawler is in his regular tights. The Cat cleaned that poor slob OUT, by God.
-Hey kids…. “Backlash” is ONLY 5 weeks away!!! Just enough time for Mom and Dad to get over the fact that you just added $40 extra dollars on their cable bill.
-Kurt Angle comes out. Everyone’s been bitching about how he gets this mid-card program. Jesus, Mary and Joseph…. if he started whining backstage and FORCED his ass into a main event program, you’d all be bitching about his big ego. He took a mid-card slot because he is a PROFESSIONAL…. and maybe so Kane, who is a hard worker can get on the card in a somewhat high profile match too… EVER THINK OF THAT????
-F-me… in five months I learned that you all NEED me to point out EVERYTHING.
-Angle got on the mic and… heh… goofed on Canada for the way their Ice Skaters had to WHINE AND CRY in order to get the gold medals. Unlike him, who EARNED his gold through HARD WORK…. it WAS kind’a flimsy…. losers.
-So, a French judge got bribed…. SO WHAT?? Stuff like this happens in pro Boxing all the time… DO YOU SEE US COMPLAINING??? Just be lucky no one tried to fly a jet into your Hockey team’s bungalow the night before they won and be happy, okay?
-Angle had something else to say,. but was cut off by…
-KANE…. COMING FROM THE BOWELS OF HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or, is that now too Russoristic?
-Well, actually… the whole “from the mouth of Hell itself”… shooting fireballs from his finger (as opposed to shooting fireballs from his penis…. like the Great HYATTE DOES!!! BOOYA LADIES!!! 57 OF YOU KNOW THAT WHEN KING HYATTE COMES, HE COMES WITH THE THUNDER!!!!!!!) always seemed more like a Vince idea.
-I strongly doubt there is anyone reading this who cares about how hard I “come”.
-Angle gets things going by bashing Kane over the head with the ring bell just as Kane lifted his arms down to IGNITE THE DEMON FIRES FROM THE RING POSTS!!!
-It’s been what? Six years? And this poor prick, Kane hasn’t has a SINGLE change in his gimmick. Christ, even his “brother” got to lose his whole “other worldly” concept.
-Angle gets going. Kane fights back. Ross talks about the “Big Red Machine’s Big Red Heart”…. no, NOOOOO… his heart is BLACK!!! BLACK LIKE THE KISS OF SATAN HIMSELF!!!!!
-Kane’s head BOUNCES on the mat after Kurt hits him with a Dragon-German-Uber-Fly Suplex.
-Angle hits a belly to belly overhead on Kane. Ross DEMANDS that we admire the TECHNIQUE, THE EXPERTISE IT TAKES TO GET A MAN THAT SIZE OVER?? (yeah, well, it kind of helps when the big guy pushes off with his feet and DOES MOST OF THE WORK!!!)
-yeesh, way to point out the obvious, Genius
-thus far… this match is pretty much a squash. It’s all Angle.
-Angle with the front facelock…. because Hogan ain’t gonna go 40 minutes to fill this four hour show!!! REST HOLDS = FILLING TIME, BABY!!!
-Kane with a BIG Sidewalk Slam. If Tony Schiavone were around, he’d no doubt call it a “Cobra Clutch/Neckbreaker”. (see 77 “-“s ago)
-Angle with a grand total of SIX Belly to back Suplays (RIP Gordon Solie, you sexy old Queen you)
-Kane hits the chokeslam… Angle gets his arm on the rope. Anyone remember the days last Summer when Angle was pushed as the guy who was near IMPOSSIBLE to keep pinned for three?
-Kane went for the Tombstone, but Angle battled out of it and messed with Kane’s mask. Kane screamed, “NO, DAMMIT… NOT MY LIVELIHOOD!!” And shoved him away. Angle came back with an Olympic Slam and went for the pin. Kane kicked out.
-Angle hits the Ankle-Lock…. he hardly twisted the ankle at all… even Lawler had to shout, “COME ON, DOOFUS…. SELL THE DAMN THING!!”
-Kane kicked out of it. Kane limped to the top rope… he set up for the big clothesline. Angle saw it, LEPT UP, and nailed Kane with a top rope Suplex. It was so fluid… not a SECOND of pause.
-Angle with an Olympic Slam. Kane blocked it. Angle maneuvered around and rolled Kane up in a Victory Roll (there’s some old school references for ya’!). Angle lost the leg and Kane’s body weight shifted… things got homo-ishy and Angle romped around Kane’s body for a second… eventually hooking up Kane’s legs and using his feet on the ropes for leverage. Ref makes the count and Angle wins.
-Angle splits and Kane curses from behind his mask. This was a solid effort from both men…. I’ll give it THREE SMACKS WITH THE BASEBALL BAT Studly Skeith has to ball her while watching blood and matter ooze from her ruptured left eye… but ‘m sure he’s used to that.
-backstage, the Hurricane is skulking around with his new title. He hears noises and ducks behind a portable wall…. we see his shadow stand there as several of the Godfather’s “Escorts” show up, proceed to strip, and talk about titty enhancements and ass pimples. Hurricane, who had a broom with him for ABSOLUTELY NO LOGICAL REASON AT ALL, puts said broom near his crotch FOR ABSOLUTELY NO LOGICAL REASON AT ALL. The girls see his shadow with the broom looking like a giant boner and they start screaming. The Godfather shows up, goes behind the partition and starts pulling on the boner/broom…. comedy ensues…. Hurricane runs.
-err…. other than Stephanie, does ANY WWF writer have ANY sort of active sex life?
-We are reminded of the history between Ric Flair and the Undertaker. Including that “Board Room” gimmick that really didn’t make a drop of sense.
-The Undertaker ROARS out on his motorcycle! He stops long enough to notice the tall black guy sitting right behind the announcers. I’m sure he wondered, just like the rest of us did, what the HELL is a black man doing in Canada? He must play for the Raptors.
-Ric Flair quickly walks out…. stopping halfway to take a breath (it’s a LONG ass walk down the aisle)
-Gaining his wind, Flair CHARGES out and starts swinging. UT grabs him and we’re underway.
-01…02…03…04…05…06…07…08…09…10… 11…12….13….14….15….16….17….18….19….20… 21…22….23….24….25….26….27….28….29….30… 31…32…33…34…35….36….37….38…39…40…. 41….42…43….44….45….46….47….48….49….50…. 51….52….53….54….55….56…57…58…59…60… 61….62….63….64….65…66….67….68 POW
-68 seconds…. it took Ross all of 68 seconds before reminding us that Flair broke his back 20 + years ago and MIGHT VERY WELL BREAK IT AGAIN IF HE’S NOT TOO CAREFULL!!! DAMMIT RIC, IS IT WORTH IT??? DAMMIT RIC!!!!!
-As far as I know, it’s the ONLY way one can tell if Flair is a Face. Someone will ALWAYS remind us that he once broke his back and faces grave trauma every time he steps into the ring. When he’s a Heel, no one ever brings it up.
-oh, and of course, the OTHER only way to tell if Flair is a Face is when his Figure Four suddenly becomes the MOST FEARED, DEADLIEST, ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED FINISHER IN THE BUSINESS!!!! When he’s a Heel, your Grandmother can break the effing hold.
-Early on, Flair TACKLED the UT over and across the announce tables…. nice to see the old buzzard can still go nuts.
-UT starts swinging… but note, the Dead Bastard is SELLING EVERY FLAIR PUNCH (God Bless ‘im…. he EMBODIES the code of respect)
-Flair punches UT several times, pausing for a sec to shout “WOO…gick”. UT cuts him off with a pair of hands around his throat.
-UT punches Flair several times in the body and head. Pausing for a minute to admire the way the old guy’s body jiggles.
-UT throws Flair across the ring. Flair goes for his patented “Head-Over-Heels-Flip-Out-Of-The-Ring-Then-Run-Across-The-Apron-And-Get-Caught-With-A-Clothesline-Because-He’s-Been-Doing-It-For-Centuries-And-Now-Even-Helen-F**king-Keller-Sees-It-Coming” spot. But, he can’t get his aged body up there and settles for a simple shoulder thrust into the turnbuckle. Old Schoolers like me remember the time Flair could do that flawlessly…. Old Schoolers like me are now weeping for our lost youth.
-DAMMIT!!!! FATHER TIME IS A MERCILESS BASTARD!!!!!
-UT drags Flair back to the corner and does it again…. THIS time, Flair gets those damn legs over!! BOOYA!!! FATHER TIME CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!! BOOYA MUTHAFU**AS!!!!! FATHER TIME CAN KISS MY ASS IN HELL!!!!
-FINALLY, Flair goes for his patented “Head-Over-Heels-Flip-Out-Of-The-Ring-Then-Run-Across-The-Apron-And-Get-Caught-With-A-Clothesline-Because-He’s-Been-Doing-It-For-Centuries-And-Now-Even-Helen-F**king-Keller-Sees-It-Coming” spot… but the UT mixes it up with a big boot to the face. Flair flies off the apron.
-Ross calls UT “Booger Red”
-UT looks at Flair, announces that NOW we go to school… sits him on a chair, and proceeds to wail on him. Pausing for a moment to ONCE AGAIN stare at the black guy in the front row. I mean really, didn’t Canada throw all their brothers out back in the 1800’s…. I SWEAR I read that they shipped them all off to Detroit?
-Flair’s bleeding. So is the UT, for that matter
-At this point… since they are CLEARLY having the time of their lives, both Ross and Lawler settled back and started having fun with this match. You can TELL that Ross is RELISHING the chance to call the last few Flair matches we’re gonna get.
-Ross pointed out that Flair is definitely not in his prime anymore… and also reminded Lawler that he should DEFINITELY relate. Lawler blew it off.
-Lawler, with a HUGE smile on his face, “I DO relate to Flair. Come on Flair, fight! If I were in his place, I’d be throwing punches left and right!”
-Flair with the chops. Ross, “Flair is fighting with EVERY BY GOD THING he has in his BODY!!”
-UT grabs Flair’s head and says, “Get your ass up here”. I love this motherfudger
-UT with a HUGE Superplex. Ross was so frantic he excited the UT was SEVEN FEET TALL!!!!!!!
-After the third time, Lawler FINALLY asked Ross something I myself have been wondering for a few weeks now… how in the HELL did Ross come up with the name “Booger Red” for the Undertaker. I mean… I LIKE the name, but what is the DEAL??
-Ross snapped, “I’ll tell you tomorrow!” WAY TO GET THOSE RAW RATINGS UP, JIMBO!!!!! KEEP US IN SUSPENSE!!!
-UT pounds away… Flair fights back.
-UT goes for the Old School walk across the ropes. Flair yanks him down.
-Flair CHOPS away. Lawler accurately points out that with all the blood that Flair has… plus that large honker of his… it is Flair who more closely resembles the name “Booger Red”.
-UT hits Flair with a Sidewalk Slam. If Tony Schiavone were around, he’d no doubt miss the move and concentrate on talking about how tonight is quite possibly the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-I am WAAAAAY too proud of myself for that one.
-UT goes for a running boot. Flair ducks. UT hits the top rope. UT physically and awkwardly moves himself so he straddles the rope. UT then howls, “OH, MY NUTS!!!”
-Flair grabs hold of the lead pipe and goes to work. The fun part was seeing how pissed off he became after missing the first shot almost completely.
-Flair screams “NOW!!” and proceeds to pound on UT’s forehead. IT’S THE 80’S ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!! FLAIR IS GOD!!!!! THROW THE BASTARD OVER THE TOP ROPE AND GET THE DQ RIC!!!! DUSTY’S BOOKING THE SHOW AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!!!!!! WOOOOOO WHOOOOOOOOO
-UT grabs the throat. Flair with the low blow. Alas… I may be the first idiot to point out the obvious that in THIS day and age, moves like that can NO LONGER rate Flair as the “Dirtiest Player in the Game”.
-and if you want to get TECHNICAL…. the TRUE owner of that title is the Brooklyn Brawler… one night he got HHH really, really drunk…. and… well… he isn’t much of a bather… so he’s dirty…. and… well, HHH IS the game and…. the Brawler is…. well he… umm…. DO I NEED TO DRAW A GODDAM MAP????
-Flair with the Figure Four. He’s a FACE!!! So Ross automatically starts gathering his notes for the next match. Call a cab, this one’s over. I mean, NO ONE can withstand the Figu…
-UT grabs Ric’s throat and gets out of it. Ross hastily tosses his notes away and registers his AMAZEMENT!! “MY GOD!!! BOOGER RED BROKE THE DREADED FIGURE FOUR!!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE DAMMIT!!! WHAT PACT WITH SATAN HAS THE DEADMAN SIGNED????”
-UT with the chokeslam/pin. Flair kicks out.
-Flair throws UT across the ropes. Flair swings. UT ducks and runs ri9ght into ARN ANDERSON!!! AA HITS THE SPINEBUSTER!!! AA IS BACK!!! AA IS KICKING ASS!!! JESUS H CHRIST I AM CRAPPING MY PANTS!!!! THE ENFORCER IS BACK!!!! THE ENFORCER IS BACK!!!!
-GOD DAMMIT!!! WHERE’S TULLY????? SOMEONE DIG UP TULLY’S OLD ASS AND GET HIM TO CANADA NOW!!!!! THE HORSEMEN ARE BACK!!!!! THE HORSEMEN ARE BACK!!!!! GET BLANCHARD AND JJ DILLON OUT THERE AND LET’S BRING IT ALL BACK GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!
-AA rolls out. Flair goes for the pin. UT kicks out! NO DAMMIT!!!!
-UT pounds on AA. Shit. Way to wreck the nostalgia trip. WHERE’S BLANCHARD??? AW HELL, WHERE’S LUGER??? WHERE’S OLE???? F-IT, I’LL EVEN SETTLE FOR PAUL ROMA RIGHT NOW!! DOUBLE F-IT, I’LL SETTLE EVEN FOR MONGO RIGHT NO….
-err, scratch that… keep Mongo the Hell out of this, for the love of God.
-Flair comes back with some chair shots. UT hits a boot. UT goes for the Powerbomb. Flair fights (well, I HOPE he fights… he just sagged there). UT drops him then hits the Tombstone. he crosses Flair’s arms and gets the pin. UT is now 10 and 0 at WM.
-okay, I was fairly sure that if the UT were to drop a WM match…. it would be to Flair, sort of a gift. Didn’t happen, but that’s VERY cool.
-I hope you paid attention, because what you watched was two veterans tell a story. It didn’t move very fast… but both professionals took their time and TOLD A STORY… I watched this twice now, and was enthralled. This was an Old School Masterpiece told by two of the VERY best.
-Oh, and WASN’T IT A YEAR AGO WHEN ALL OF YOU FAGGOTS WERE SCREAMING FOR THE UNDERTAKER’S RETIREMENT??? HE’S OLD!!! HE DOESN’T SELL!!! HE SUCKS!!! THIS SONOFABITCH, WHILE I’VE BEEN AWAY, HAS BEEN WORKING HARDER, CLEANER, AND BETTER THAN HE EVER HAS BEFORE!!!!!! HE IS ENJOYING THE BEST DAMN PUSH OF HIS LIFE AND IS KICKING YOUR LOSER ASSES WITH IT!!! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!!! I’M RIGHT, I RULE THE UNDERTAKER RULES AND YOU BABIES CAN SUCKLE MY TEET!!!!! F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU!!!!
–Four Cracks with the Baseball Bat!!! SKEITH HAS TO CAVE IN THE BITCHES HEAD BEFORE SHE’LL ALLOW HIM TO RAPE HER!!! He doesn’t stand a chance in HELL with her without four big shots across her melon.
-UT knocked down Charles Robinson… just for shits and giggles.
-Spot for “Before They Were Stars”. Just a few PPV bucks.
-Michael Cole, who is ALSO in a Tuxedo (oy), puts the mic in front of Booker T’s mouth and allows Booker to act like a really, really dumb guy trying to sell himself as a smart guy by wearing glasses and talking about his “High School Thesis” on Einstein’s “Theory on Relatives” (Theory number one: If you’re a black man, odds are you don’t know who your Daddy is)
-Booker used the word “sucka” quite a bit, too.
-I’m not too sure this new gimmick for Booker T will score any points with Spike Lee. Just an observation.
-Booker T came out. Edge followed. They made it work.
-I’ll say this for them… they both grunted like hell. “NWAAAHHH”, “GROOOOOGH”, “FRAAAAUGH”.
-Booker nailed Edge with a NASTY Missile Dropkick
-Edge went for a top rope Hurracarana… there was a slip. Booker plunked down hard and I SWEAR he damn near broke his neck.
-Edge went for the Spear. Booker leapfrogged over it. AWESOME move.
-Booker followed that up with the Spinerooni. Ross admitted to trying that on his porch.
-Edge finally did hit the Spear. Booker kicked out of the pin.
-Edge mocked the Spinerooni. Booker got pissed.
-Edge hit the pin after hitting the “Edge-o-cution”. Which is WAAAAAY too damn cute for my liking.
-Quicky match. Not bad. Both men worked hard. Skeith only has to Bash this one’s head in two times before she grays out and opens up.
-Backstage, The Coach catches up to the Hurricane to ask about…. oh man…. I’m starting to remember why I quit in the first place.
-Anywhoo, Molly shows up, bops the Hurricane over the head with a frying pan, pins him, and takes off with the Hardcore title.
-Video reminds us of why Austin and Scott Hall are currently at each other’s throats.
-By the way…. anyone else notice that the VERY FIRST WORDS out of Kevin Nash’s mouth when the NWO first came out on WWF television was “You knowww…” ? I sure did… and I sure as shit chuckled.
-Austin came out FIRST!!!!!
-Hall came out SECOND!!!
-Nash came out THIRD!!!! Sadly, Ross seemed to be the only person on the planet who was shocked that Nash came out at all.
-Ross pointed out that Austin has only lost once, and ALSO pointed out that his finest match at the big dance was actually the one he did lose.
-Note: Nash is in WRESTLING GEAR!!!!
-Note: Nash’s hair is NOT pony tailed up… thus we can expect LOTS AND LOTS of flipping.
-Note: Hall is probably the better worker of the three… so he’s in there because he will give the better pure show.
-Note: Hall still has the SEXIEST damn torso in the business. I say this while being FULLY SECURE in my masculinity.
-Austin gets right to work. Hall is knocked out of the ring. Nash stomps over to check on him. Austin jumps Nash for behind. Nash gets up and POW!!!! FIRST HAIRFLIP OF THE NIGHT!!
-Ross, “Austin just let Nash know that he is well aware that the seven footer is there.” DAMN… and Big Sexy thought he could stay on Austin’s blind side.
-Nash takes one of the top turnbuckle pads off. Naturally, the camera missed it all. (What is this? The WWA?????)
-Hall gets control and kicks Austin out of the ring. Nash attacks. POW!!! SECOND HAIRFLIP OF THE NIGHT!!
-Hall with the Fallaway Slam. Pin attempt… 1…2…POW!! THIRD HAIRFLIP OF THE NIGHT
-Austin kicked out… by the way.
-Nash punches Austin again…. POW!!! FOURTH HAIRFLIP OF THE NIGHT!!!
-ANOTHER PUNCH!!! POW!!! HAIRFLIP NUMERO CINCO!!!!!!
-Austin hits the Stunner!!! Goes for the pin!! Nash drags the ref out. POW!!! HAIRFLIP #6 O’ THE NIGHT!! Nash punches the ref. POW!!! SEVEN!! Nash hits the POW!!! EIGHT!! ring, Nash pounds, Nash Flips 9… 10… 11 Nash holds Austin. Hall grabs a chair. Nash yells, “HOLD IT, HOLD IT A SEC”. He let’s go of Austin… POW!!! TWELTH HAIRFLIP OF THE NIGHT!!! Austin stands their patiently. Nash grabs him again. Hall raises the chair. Austin kicks Hall, then swings it back into Nash’s crotch. Both H & N get a stunner. POW!!! THIRTEEN!!
-Another ref runs in. Makes a two count. Nash goes for an elbow drop… he pauses MID-AIR… POW!!! FOURTEENTH HAIRFLIP OF THE NIGHT!!!!! Then he allows gravity to go to work and drops the Elbow.
-Hall tries for the Razor’s Edge… Austin backflips him out. Oh, no… not with THAT neck… uh uhh.
-Meanwhile, a pack of Ref’s come out and force Nash out of there. Nash quickly pulls out his cell phone and frantically calls Vince Russo, “Vince? It’s Kev. Listen, can you fly out here to Canada and book the gimmick where I just hammer everyone in sight until I get my way? Like you did in WCW? Hello Vince? HELLLOOOOO?” With that option out…. Nash stalks away. POW!!! POWPOWPOWPOWPOW!!!
-F-It… I LOVE THAT BIG, NON-WORKING DOUCHEBAG!!!! NASH IS GOD!!!
-Hall bounces Austin into the turnbuckle, then hits him with the Stunner. Austin kicks out..
-Austin is up, he does the SAME SEQUENCE that Hall just did, except he Stuns Hall TWICE… and the SECOND time, Hall bounces off his feet and flies in the air. Great sell.
-Austin grabs the pin and drinks plenty of beer. Hall rolls out before Austin gets REALLY evil and dumps a few cans on his face. Scotty doesn’t need that much pressure.
-Austin notices that Hall is limping away before getting doused, shouts, “Oh no you don’t, leaps out of the ring, tackles Hall, YANKS his tights down and plunges a needle-full of Heroin in his ass. Hall starts drooling and smiling, “Hey yooo…. I forgot how goood thish ish.” He stumbles away. Austin starts to laugh and laugh and laugh…. Jesus, he IS a bastard.
-Another THREE SLUGS ACROSS THE TEMPLES!!!!! This girl just has enough time to smell the Doritos on Scott Keith’s breath before the darkness takes her far, far away from this chubby nightmare.
-Scenes from WWF Axxess. We see that Stacey Keibler’s ass was molded into a sculpture…. I’ve hit the pause button and studied the thing… I swear, they either forgot about her vagina or Stacey is a goddam Alien.
-Now we’ve got the Four Corner Tag Team Title Match. Saliva performs the Dudley theme song live. Stacey Keibler comes out and starts gyrating next to the lead singer. The lead singer turns around to look at his guitar player…. he turns back around and Stacey has been replaced by a shirtless, gyrating Patterson. You’ve never seen a grown man WILT so dramatically.
-Meanwhile, D-Von takes off his sunglasses and puts them on the Bassist. I’m sure the Bassist was thoroughly skeeved out.
-APA come out.
-The Hardyz come out.
-Billy and Chuck come out. Lawler announces that he was once in a Boy band… called the “Backseat Boys”. I and 90% that Lawler completely fogged out on the double intendre there.
-Ross asked what year Lawler had his “boy band”… then offered 1958 or 1959 as possibilities. Lawler, who couldn’t even sell it with a straight face, announced that he was born in 1975. HAW!!! I MISSED THE KING!!!
-The APA…. who have VERY LITTLE TOLERANCE for gimmicks like these two whiteboys (a black guy and a rough ass Texan having problems with two fruit booties? Go F-ing figure) launch into the attack.
-Bradshaw hits Billy with a Fallaway Slam. Making this the FIRST TIME IN THE HISTORY OF ANY SORT OF PROFESSIONAL SPORTS that TWO matches in a ROW featured a “Fallaway Slam”. Go ahead. I dare you… I DOUBLE DARE YOU WITH MY PECKER ON A CHOPPING BLOCK to prove me wrong on this!! I WANT PROOF!!!!
-Didn’t think so.
-The APA had their wAY with Chuck and BillAY…. (Heh HAY!!)
-The APA were the first to be taken aWAY after a 3 D from D-Von and Bubba RAY
-The Hardyz charged out and attacked the Dudleys
-Jeff Hardy got so excited he took off his shirt…. this skinny ass is a WRESTLER?? HE’S GOT NO ARMS!!!
-Yeesh…. this kid is SICKLY…. even the Announcers mentioned that there hasn’t been a lot of sunny days in North Carolina.
-Stacey climbed to the apron and shook her ass at Jeff. Jeff gave her a good spank, then whipped her around and forced his tongue down her throat before pushing her down hard. My God, that’s EXACTLY how I was conceived.
-The chubbier than usual Buh Buh worked on Jeff a’while.
-The chubbier than usual Buh Buh had Jeff in a chinlock. Matt yelled, “COME ON JEFF, FIRE IT UP!!!!” Jeff stared at Matt for a second, shrugged his shoulders, and pulled out a bong and a lighter. Matt screamed, “OH YOU DUMB FU*K”
-Jeff took a beating for a hell of a long time.
-Matt finally got in. He brawled with Buh Buh for a while. Buh Buh held his legs opened and set D-Von up for the Flying Crotch Butt.
-Unfortunately, after a LOOONG rest, Billy & Chuck remembered that they were in this match and Chuck shoved D-Von off the top ropes. D-Von went SAILING down and SLAMMED into a propped table face-first. He stayed there for quite a while. He appeared to be hurt for real.
-Meanwhile, the Hardyz scored a pin on Buh Buh
-With two teams left, Billy hit the Swanton Bomb on Chuck. Before he could follow up, Billy Gunn hit him with the Famouser. Hardy kicked out.
-Eventually, Gunn hit Hardy with a tag title belt and scored the pin. One thinks that eventually, Hall and Nash will straighten this nonsense out. Then Vince can bring in the Road Warriors to straighten THEM out!!! THEN that makes room for Ricky and Robert… the ROCK ‘N’ ROLL EXPRESS to come back and kick ALL THE ASSES…. then we can bring in IVAN AND NIKITA!!! THEN THE FREEBIRDS!!! THEN THE SAMOANS!!! THEN TONY ATLAS AND ROCKY JOHNSON!! THEN DICK MURDOCH AND ADRIAN ADONIS!! THEN RIC FLAIR AND GREG VALENTINE!!! NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THE FABULOUS KANGEROOS WILL BE FIGHTING THE CRUSHER AND MAD DOG VACHON FOR THE WWF TAG TEAM BELTS AT WRESTLEMANIA XX!!!! THEN BY GOD, WE’LL BE ONTO SOMETHING!!!
-oh… give this match ONE SMACK ON HER NOODLE. Not a greatly paced match. Skeith only has to tap her hard enough to cross her eyes before mounting her.
-Hall and Nash are PISSED… and they agree to take their anger out on the Rock. Hogan shows up and tells them both to stay out of this… the Hulkster has something to PROVE!! See, he’s gonna make sure Rocky, that “jabrony”… “just like Rocky Balboa, won’t have no excuses after I beat him!”. Two things wrong with this… A: “Rocky Balboa” was ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO!!! and B: “Don’t have no excuses”…. WHAT KIND OF GRAMMAR IS THAT?????? DOUBLE NEGATIVES, HULKSTER??? YOU??? FOR CHRISSAKES, WHY?????
-Oh, by the way… POW!!! HAIRFLIP NUMBER 23 OF THE NIGHT!!!!
-Molly Holly is running with her hardcore belt. (She’s been running ALL THIS TIME??) She runs toward a door… the top half swings open and hits her in the much. Christian comes out and pins her. He’s the HC champ now.
-Video history of the Rock vs Hulk Hogan. You can just tell Vince has been DYING for the chance to cut up the hours and hours of “Classic Hogan” footage.
-Jeeze… anyone notice how PUFFY Classic Hogan’s face was?
-Hogan comes out. I DO miss the old days when Bischoff sprung for the use of “Voodoo Chile”. Hogan looked COOL when he pretended to chop a mountain down with the edge of his hand.
-Hogan waits. He keeps his doo-rag on, of course. Out of just about everyone I know, Hogan is the one guy who’s entire body ages about 20 years the very second that doo-rag flies off.
-Ross reminds us that it was right there at the Skydome when Hogan jobbed clean to the Ultimate Warrior. Passing the torch my HEINY!! Vince needed a champ while Hogan went and made “Suburban Commando”. Talk about placing your bets on the WRONG pony.
-the crowd is chanting “Hogan, Hogan”…. you know… I honestly wasn’t really blown away by the Hogan/Rock hype…. but right around now, I remember getting a funny, “This could be something” feeling.
-Rocky came out. He stalked the ring and did his traditional four corner pose.
-They face off… nose to nose. They glance out to the crowd… stare at each other some more. Hogan starts jawing….. right off the bat, you can tell that Hogan is loving this, for real. Rocky seems to be having a ball too.
-Dammit… Hogan’s doing it again. Like he does over and over… just when you think he’s fresh out of tricks… HE GETS THE HEART GOING AGAIN!!! Just when you get sick and tired of his act…. HE JACKS YOU UP ONE MORE TIME!!!
-They both back up… it’s time to do it. The ref calls for the bell.
-They lock up… they jostle for momentum. Hogan roars, steps back, and SHOVES Rocky across the ring. Rocky looks up in amazement. Hogan POSES… the crowd goes NUTS!!!
-Hogan sticks his arm out and tells Rocky to just bring it.
-They lock up again. HOGAN WITH A HEADLOCK!! THE 80’S LIVE, DAMMIT!!!!
-Hogan shoulderblocks Rocky. Rocky goes down. Hogan poses again. The crowd goes nuts again. Somewhere, in the soul of a bitter, bitter man… a young child who once believed in the simplicity of Hulk-A-Mania is stirring. Dear God…. I…. I… am I starting to believe again?
-Hogan starts trash talkin’… “You ain’t nothin’ meatball!!!!” Meatball? Is Hogan flashing back to his brief role as Thunderlips?
-Rocky gets off the big clothesline… Hogan goes down… OFF GOES THE DOORAG…. suddenly, Rocky is fighting Burgess Meredith
-Hogan pushes the Rock. The Rock shoves him back. Hogan shakes his head a second, then pushes Rocky’s chest with his finger. Rocky cocks his head and says, “Huh?”…. Hogan blinks, says, “Oh shit…. wrong company.”, then starts swinging.
-Hogan tries to sell the top rope clothesline flip, but like Flair, ends up thudding his ass on the mat and rolling out. Feh
-Rocky with the Rock Bottom… Hogan elbows his way out.
-HOGAN WITH THE BIONIC ELBOW!!!! DO THAT CRAZY HAND JIVE YOU SUMBITCH!!!!!!!!!! (Old Schoolers who lasted this long will score THAT baby in about two seconds)
-Hogan with the several-elbowdrops-in-a-row spot… giving up after two… takes a lot of energy getting that Florida sun-fried ass up all those times.
-Rocky takes a fews shot, then tackles Hogan and pounds NOWHERE NEAR his face a few times.
-Hogan with the ABDOMINAL STRETCH FOLLOWED BY SEVERAL THUDS TO THE RIB CAGE!!! Twice in one night… in the NEW Millennium…. a night of firsts.
-Hogan’s so over that even his back scratches got pops… no wonder he couldn’t get rid of the smile on his face.
-Hogan with a huge chokeslam…. the crowd went BERSERK
-Ross talked about the Skydome JINX that Hogan has going. That ain’t NOTHIN’… what about the “Hogan Jinx” that Randy Savage has going? 1’717 matches against Hogan…. and the Macho Man is STILL 0-1’717 against the big guy.
-Hogan yanks the cover off the announce table… my God… HE’S GOING FOR HIS FIRST EVER TABLE SPOT!!!!!!!!
-No he’s not… Rocky fought back and the spot was soon forgotten.
-Hogan throws Rocky into the referee. Rocky hits a spine buster.
-Rocky hits the Sharpshooter. The crowd is BOOING!!! BOOING!!!!!! BOOING ROCKY?????
-Rocky tries to rouse the ref by kicking him…. he seems to notice the boos he’s getting… suddenly, “ROCKY SUCKS” is chanted…. Rocky looks around as if to say, “Oh crap… I’ve got a movie opening in a month and I’m now a HEEL????”
-Hogan with a ROCK BOTTOM!!!! Rocky kicks out!!
-Hogan takes off his belt… his WHITE belt… and starts whipping the Rock… the ROCK!! COME ONNN PEOPLE… CAN’T YOU SEE THE SYMBOLISM????
-Eventually… Rocky grabs the belt…. the WHITE belt… and starts whipping Hogan…. HOGAN!! NOW you can see the symbolism… CAN’T YOU??? ARE YOU BLIND????
-Rocky with another Rock Bottom. Hogan KICKS OUT!!
-My God… HOGAN STARTS TO HULK UP!!! HOGAN STARTS TO FEED OFF THE ENERGY FROM HIS ETERNAL TAG TEAM PARTNER!!! THE FANS!!!
-Rocky literally MORPHS into EVERY FRICKIN’ HEEL WHO HAS EVER DEALT WITH THIS!!!! ORNDORFF, SAVAGE, ANDRE, FLAIR, THE BOSSMAN, MURACO, THE IRON SHIEK ALL OF THEM…..
-and just like the aforementioned EVERY FRICKIN’ HEEL WHO HAS EVER DEALT WITH THIS!!!!, Rocky quickly strategizes the best way to deal with a Hulk-Up… SWING LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW!!!!
-you know… just ONCE, I’d like to see some bad guy deal with a “Hulk-Up” by rolling out of the ring and waiting for all this testosterone to settle down. HOW ABOUT APPLYING THAT STRATEGY FOR ONCE, YOU NITWITS???
-Hogan POINTS AT THE ROCK!!!! WHAT’CHA GONNA DOOOOOO???
-HOGAN WITH THE PUNCHING.
-BIG BOOT!!!!!
-LEGDROP!!!! IT’S A GODDAM LEGDROP!!!!!!
-1…2…ROCKY KICKS OUT!!!! ROCKY KICKS OUT!!!! WHAT???? Someone kicks out of the Legdrop pin?? IN THE WWF??????
-Hogan tries another LEGDROP!! Rocky ducks up.
-ROCK BOTTOM!!!
-ANOTHER ROCK BOTTOM!!!
-KIP UP!!!!!
-THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW!!!!!
-1….2….3!!! HOGAN JOBS!!!!! ROCKY WINS!!!!! HOGAN CAN’T WIN IN CANADA!!! CANADA IS HOGAN’S KRYPTONITE!!!! YOU SOULESS MOOSEBLOWING BASTARDS!!!!!!
-Rocky poses while Hogan slowly gets up. They bump into each other. They stare at each other. Hogan, holding his rib cage and looking older than f-ing dirt (oh life sucks then you DIEDIEDIEDIE) extends his hand… Rock mulls it over…takes it. It’s a clean shake. Hogan respects the youngster. Of course, Ross conveniently forgets that just a few weeks ago Hogan SLAMMED ROCKY’S AMBULANCE TWICE WITH A F**KING SEMI-TRUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Hogan has “passed the torch” to the FUTURE… a FUTURE who is just one HUGE movie away from dumping this rasslin’ career forever and heading to Hollywood full time for movies and every white chick with c-cups in California… WAY TO GO, HULKSTER!!!!
-Hall and Nash come out to bitch at Hogan for being nice. Hall throws his toothpick. Nash starts pounding. Rocky’s back in. Rocky and Hogan clean house.
-Rocky goads Hogan into doing the whole “The loudest side gets a pose” bit…. Hogan eventually does it. Rocky smiles brightly. Hogan is near tears. Fuck it… so am I.
-Eventually… they head out together, At the top of the ramp, Hogan lifts Rocky’s arm. Rocky totally breaks character and seems to be speechless for the first time in his career. The whole damn thing finally ends, leaving me, you, and the entire Canuck crowd drained.
-This is important, so I’ll treat it right. Hogan’s in for two years…. but THIS was his retirement match… or it SHOULD be…. he’ll never go out to a bigger pop.
-I don’t care HOW boring Hogan gets… NO ONE with an IOTA of brains will EVER doubt this man’s drawing ability again.
-Years from now… THIS is the match that everyone will remember from this card. Like Austin/Bret, or Hogan/Andre, or Bret/HBK…. THIS is the one we will all remember. Hogan made us believe. Hogan sold us his act one last time, and we ALL bought it… better yet, we are ALL satisfied customers.
–FIVE CRACKS WITH THE BAT!!! SCOTT KEITH WILL HAVE TO CAVE IN HER SKULL, CUT OFF HER HEAD, SAW OFF HER ARMS AND LEGS, POOUR BATTERY ACID ON HER TORSO, AND BURY EACH BODY PART ON A DIFFERENT CONTINENT BEFORE HE’LL BE ALLOWED TO BANG THIS SUPERMODEL!!!! 5 BASEBALL SWINGS!!! HE’LL NEVER EVER GET ANY OF THAT BOOTY!!!!!!!!!
-DAMN…. Hogan did it again. Rocky helped too.
-Oh… and if Hall and Nash weren’t the monster Heels of the WWF before tonight… they sure are now.
-The ONLY disappointment was that they never used Hogan’s “Real American” theme… or at LEAST the “Eye of the Tiger” That would have ruled the Universe.
-“Forceable Entry” is the new WWF CD…. it’s also what many of my dates accuse me of attempting.
-The Big Show is in the WWF New York…. I swear I heard him say, “When I FIND THE BASTARD who gave me the wrong airline tickets…”
-68’237 people were in attendance. I cannot recall a WM where they DIDN’T brag about breaking some sort of attendance.
-Jazz pinned Lita and kept her Chick title…. Trish was involved. I’m fresh out of juice… exhausted by the last match. 2 Smacks with the Bat On this one, Skeith knocked out all her teeth and got the blowjob of his life (and possibly, his first)
-Maven rolled up Christian and re-took the hardcore title… then ducked into the cab that was meant for Christian… marking the first time a cabbie actually chose the black guy over the white one. I shit you not.
-Saliva sung a version of “The Game” for HHH.
-Triple H came out…. looking understandably PISSED that he has to follow the Rock/Hulk match. (Somehow, I have a feeling Hogan was responsible for the perfect placement of his match… he KNEW the crowd would be drained if he waited until the last match)
-Trip entered the ring… sprayed a lot of water…. then did the customary “Stand-On-The-Second-Rope-And-Point-At-The-Band” trick…. second year in a row for that move…. still pretty damn goofy looking.
-Y2J came out with her Highness…. because the damn company now REVOLVES around Stephanie…. Christ, not even Bischoff was THIS camera hoggy!
-You know… it doesn’t exactly help that HHH pretty much gave away the ending of the match when he told someone that Jericho was “not quite at the level” of a main eventer. He did it in total kayfabe. Jesus… what exactly does Jericho need to do anyway? All see is a kid working his ass off every time out of the gate.
-They lock up…. Jericho tries to work on Hunter’s battered quad…. Hunter favored it and hopped about gingerly.
-HHH gives Jericho the High Knee. Ross claims HHH got (stole) that move from Harley Race. I maintain that he stole the move from Brutus the Barber/Booty Man/Bruteye/EdLeslie/Beefcake.
-HHH pitches Jericho off the top rope and clear into the rails
-HHH strips down the Spanish Announce table. Hogan was nice enough to take care of the American Announce table a couple of matches earlier.
-HHH turns the tables by working on Jericho’s leg…. and even put on a Figure Four!
-Stephanie crawled up to the ring and clawed at HHH’s eyes. She jumped down and skidded right on her well padded ass… BWHAHAHAHAHAAAAA She stood up and faced the crowd… totally red faced. HHH grabbed her and picked her up. Jericho sprinted in and accidentally SPEARED her right in the gut. HHH helped her lift herself up on the top ropes so she missed most of the impact, but it was still a nice sell. Of course, here huge tits would have padded the impact anyway… and probably send Jericho sailing clear cross the ring with a pair of black eyes t’boot.
-HHH threw Steph into the ring and went for the Pedrigree. Jericho drilled him with a Missile Dropkick.
-Jericho wrapped HHH’s legs around the ring post, then went for the Hartlock. Very, very cool…. haven’t seen that one for a long, long time.
-Jericho worked on the leg.
-The match moseyed along nicely… all night, someone held up a sign that read “MURTZ” with an arrow pointing down. Could that be Murtz JAFFER? Scoops writer? One time manager of such famous web sites at RealWrestlingShow.com” and ProWrestlingSucks.com? Could it be???
-The Game goes for a Pedigree on the Announce Table. Jericho sends him back over into the Spanish Announce table.
Click Here for Part 2
-Back in the ring, HHH goes for the Pedigree again…. Jericho flips him down and gets the Walls of Jericho in. HHH crawls and reaches for the ropes. Jericho pulls him away. More pain…. more agony…. moremoreMORE
-HHH grabs the ropes. Jericho grabs a chair. HHH kicks it away. HHH DDT’s Jericho into the chair.
-Suddenly, just like everyone KNEW would happen…. it became the Stephanie show as she took out the Ref. She turned around and walked right into HHH. HHH grabs her hair, just so the camera can get a real close-up of Steph’s community theater trained FACIAL EXPRESSIONS!!!! God… she really is the worst friggin’ actress this side of Pia Zadora
-Stephanie gets the Pedigree. The crowd popped, but surely not as loud as Stephanie assumed they would.
-oh… let’s go home. HHH fights Jericho for a bit longer…. literally says “F-It”… forces Jericho’s head between his legs and JAMS the Pedigree on him. HHH gets the pin and we have a NEW Undisputed Heavyweight Champion. Good match…. 3 and a half whacks across the head with the bat Skeithy would have needed four whacks but the whole storyline was built around HHH vs Steph rather than HHH vs Jericho. So Scott gets to lightly tap this chick on quick time after CAVING HER SKULL WITH THREE HARD SHOTS before she’ll let him jam his 4 incher in him (4 inches… that’s what Botter told me, at least.)
-Saliva (or the other band… I forget) get their song played as video highlights are shown.
-The show ends.
Does Wrestlemania EVER disappoint? Well…. there was the one when the Undertaker took out Sid for the WWF belt, but I am hesitant to knock that one because NO ONE should badmouth a match where one of the wrestlers actually pooped a load into his tights midway.
No, the show didn’t disappoint. They rose up and ROCKED. Hogan? Come on. Flair/UT? Come ON!!!
Now we wrap up with something called the Closer…. each column I’ll wrap things up NOT with a hard-core scrutiny of the overall show and the effort everyone put in and how experts. No, no NO… I wouldn’t waste my time. We’ve got Meltzer for that!!!! Wait, we’ve got Scott Keith for that!!! No… hold up… we’ve got MANSION FAN for that!!!!
Ugh. The funniest part is that there actually IS someone who calls himself “Mansion Fan” and this guy ACTUALLY runs around at wrestling shows trying to get backstage. “You gotta get me in… I’m MANSION FAN… I post on the 411 message board!! I’m a big Internet DEAL!! You’ve GOT to let me back there… I’m MANSION FAN… I’m a BIG DEAL!” On a stack of Bibles jammed up the anus of my dead Mother I swear this happened.
No, my closer will be about what I’ve learned since I’ve been away. See, I lurked around from time to time… often just looking for a reason to come back. Looking for inspiration. To see if being a wrestling fan on the web is worth while.
Of course… it isn’t. Nothing has changed. Everyone looks just for something to bitch at. That’s it.
Anyway…. let’s go home with this
WHAT HAPPENED WHILE I WAS AWAY
-Wrestleline closed the same damn week I quit…. always stealing my thunder
-Scaia opened OO! CRZ opened OH. (an Online Hardon). Hooray…. so I can still rag on the Prick
-The Smarks RE-LAUNCHES! Now with DVD reviews, personal diary entries, and a Message Board that couldn’t seem to keep running for more than a week straight.
-The NEW SMARKS offered the SAME PREMISE. Running out of material and energy right around Wednesday.
-The HACKMEISTER INFILTRATES THE SMARKS! Turned out to be a weak gimmick worked by Keith and the Scots. The bitch of it was that a couple of douchebags actually thought I was the hack. Yeah…. doing something under an assumed name… that’s TOTALLY ME… *cough
-Seriously… what kind of fag do you TAKE ME FOR??? Is a weak ass stunt like that REALLY my style? Numbheads.
-1wrestling gets a break. Seemed that no one got on Ryder’s case much since I left. I’m fairly sure it’s only because no one is subscribing to the Premium site and no one is for DAMN SURE slogging through all the pop-ups to read what Bob ‘n’ Dave had to say anymore.
-the Hyatte-less 411 gets praise! A smoking new layout… a hard working Ashish… Eric S happily writing about whatever he fu**ing feels like while jamming his middle finger at anyone who’s crying about it. 411 goes on without me and does just fine.
-the Hyatte-less 411 lets Scott Keith syndicate his stuff. You all have my deepest apologies for making Widro resort to this.
-the 411 T-Shirt. Oh for Christ SAKES WIDRO!!!
-Bruce Mitchell stumbles upon some old Mop-Ups and decides to steal the jokes outright in a column he calls “Raw Stream of…. blah blah blah”. No problem, Flea was nice enough to buy me a subscription to the Torch Newsletter… I’ll just take whatever he writes and paraphrase it into a column of my own for all to read. F-me and I’ll F-you right back, Jizzface.
-Widro becomes someone’s BOOTY CALL!!!! That’s right. Someone has Widro on HER… yeah, I said HER speed dial and whenever she gets horny… she calls HIM. Why that scampy little munchkin.
-Chris Williams announces that I’m a janitor, then joins the army. Well, he’s wrong, but I’m SURE he’s doing wonders with powdered eggs and canned rations. If he actually got in the armed forces… which is to say that he actually ENLISTED, one doubts he had the psych profile to rate anything better than a mess corporal. He’s cooking chow, kids. Somehow, though… I have a strange feeling that he’ll be back with us before long.
-Rob Black vs… actually, I haven’t the faintest clue what’s going on here… and didn’t really put any effort into finding out.
-Honky Tonk Man CLOSED DOWN his website. Apparently, I was the only mother f-er who went there and talked about it. AM I THE WEBSITE KILLER OR WHAT???
-On Raw, a guy in a dress showed up at the Friendly Tap. Many people ask Flea if I was the guy in that dress. WHAT’S IT TO YOU?????
-annnd… err… that’s it, really. It’s really, really boring out there.
You know what… you all STILL suck. I’ve surfed from time to time… I’ve looked around… 99% of you are still cherry ass cumstains whose main goal in life is to lick the nuts out of whoever’s message board your on. I’m sorry kids… hate to break it to you… but CRZ, Scott Keith, Dean Rassamullin (however it’s goddam spelled), Janitor, Mr. Tito, and everyone else should not HAVE devout followers who agree with and love everything they say…. this shouldn’t be HAPPENING. But happen it does.
No, from now on, you all should follow and worship ME!! And some douche named Sugar Shane Spears.
So…. I haven’t changed, much…. this net hasn’t changed much… wrestling hasn’t changed much. Everything remain practically frozen in time since I left. No new sites… no new revelations. The same people complaining about the same thing over and over again.
Yeah…. it was time for me to come back. Even if it’s only part time…. this Internet is just so BORING without me. Y’all need an asshole.
We’re gonna have a little fun.
This is Hyatte